|Chuck Norris is totally gay. "But he's a big mean homophobe who fights for the Christian Right..." Newsflash: homophobes are generally repressed gays themselves. Learn the facts about Chuck Norris.|
"Brokeback Mountain" is based loosely on the events of Chuck Norris' life.
After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.
Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos. For every inch of hippo c0ck sucked, you received one point. But Chuck Norris once received an automatic 60 points and a lifetime of undeserved popularity for shaving a hippo's pubes and hot-gluing them to his face.
Brad Pitt adopted one of Chuck Norris' children, and Chuck Norris still won't marry him.
Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge balls—he prefers to have them resting on his chin.
Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he snickers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a f@g, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking.
Chuck Norris and the Total Gym sold out for the same reason: they're both CHEAP.
Chuck Norris' beard is actually a merkin. He can't function without a man's pubes on his face.
Chuck Norris beats off to "Pretty in Pink" three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.
Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.
Chuck Norris called "all-time crush" on Leif Garrett.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man.
Chuck Norris can suck the AIDS virus right out of a grown man's c0ck, then spit it into a bottle for research.
Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck Norris because Gaping Bloody Vagina seemed too "butch."
Chuck Norris checks his closet for Michael Jackson before he goes to bed. He is disappointed when he doesn't find him.
Chuck Norris claims he is "Ms. New Booty."
Chuck Norris clutches the hell out of his Coach bag.
Chuck Norris cried during The Notebook.
Chuck Norris experiences heavy flow on account of his wide-set vagina.
Chuck Norris fans are upset because Anti-Chuck Norris fans don't spend hours coming up with witty rebounds. They just remember flicking through "Walker, Texas Ranger" and coming up with thousands of true, funny things to say about Chuck Norris. For instance, Chuck Norris is a martial artist who wears a cowboy hat in Texas and sports a ginger beard and tight jeans.
Chuck Norris' farts are silent and dedly. Dedly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
Chuck Norris fears no man! Only women.
Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up on "Dodgeball" because he thought William Shatner was asking him out.
Chuck Norris gives all his friends back, sack and crack waxes. But he is very gentle with them.
Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.
Chuck Norris has 11 scrapbooks full of "Love Is" cartoons.
Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain."
Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a c0ck.
Chuck Norris has seen more black c0ck than a KFC urinal.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and prance around like a homo.
Chuck Norris hasn't completed a full roundhouse kick since 1998, when he tore his sack during a taping of "Walker, Texas Ranger."
Chuck Norris' iPod has "Princess" written in Swarofsky crystals on it.
Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water.
Chuck Norris is currently choreographing and starring in a gay pr0n with Chad Kroeger called "Butt Pirates of the Caribbean."
Chuck Norris is from Texas. Only steers and queers come from Texas. Chuck Norris has no horns.
Chuck Norris is Jesus to mindless, trend-loving Americans. He even turns water into wine coolers.
Chuck Norris is seen at the pet store weekly buying gerbils. He then stuffs them up his ass.
Chuck Norris is so gay that when he goes to the donkey show, he gets jealous of the woman.
Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500.
Chuck Norris is wanted for raping 10 different men during last year's Carinaval celebration in Brazil. The United States has refused the Brazilian extradition request.
Chuck Norris keeps a d!ck up his ass as much as possible to keep Jet Li from kicking it.
Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep...with as many men as possible.
Chuck Norris listens to Fall Out Boy and cries.
Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them "speed bumps."
Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and merely blinked because the gay pr0n he was watching was too exciting to sleep through.
Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it.
Chuck Norris once sent himself flowers on Valentine's Day to trick people into thinking he had a girlfriend. Too bad he signed the card, "From Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once stuck his c0ck up a man's nose, then accidentally into his ear, then back into his nose.
Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy."
Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday.
Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.
Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of "Just Say No," because he just says no all the time...to women.
Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.
Chuck Norris says "I am... I mean, you are what you eat, d!ck."
Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the “Are you a good boyfriend” quiz in Cosmo.
Chuck Norris sits down to pee.
Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire.
Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.
Chuck Norris sucks d!ck for cab fare and then walks home.
Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.
Chuck Norris turned down Tom Hanks' role in Philadelphia because, he said, "It hits to close to homo... I mean home."
Chuck Norris uses 5 tampons a day. The heavy-duty kind.
Chuck Norris' vagina is so wide that his thighs don't touch even when his legs are crossed.
Chuck Norris was approached by Mattel to market his controversial Homo Kung Fu Doll. However, the test market in San Francisco found it too gay and went with the Ru Paul Line instead. They kept the Kung Fu grip.
Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.
Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football players jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker.
Chuck Norris was once spit on by a camel. Chuck Norris then broke out in anger, singing "My Humps" at the top of his lungs to regain his dignity.
Chuck Norris was once the subject of a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" bukkake. The tears of joy he wept reanimated both Jean Cocteau, who filmed the event, and Oscar Wilde, who made snide comments about Norris' masculinity.
Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work.
Chuck Norris watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming "Plant that pole and unleash on the
backside!!" at the top of his lungs.
Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on.
Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.
Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft.
Chuck Norris’ farts smell like Vaseline.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of showing everyone how loose his asshole is.
For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move, it's just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely.
Freddy Mercury wrote "Fat Bottomed Girls" after a passionate night with Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be... oh wait.
If you bother Chuck Norris during Grey's Anatomy he'll, like, totally be peeed at you for weeks.
If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pu$$y."
In a recent poll, Chuck Norris beat the Hamburglar as the "World's Biggest Ass Bandit."
In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris' understudy on the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger."
It was reported that Chuck Norris had given millions of dollars to AIDS research. After a thorough investigation, the reports were found to be false because Chuck had actually said, "I've given millions AIDS."
Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a f@g.
The chief import of Chuck Norris is c0ck.
The devil wears Prada. Chuck Norris made him.
The origin of the name “Norris” is actually French. The translation of the word “Chuck” means homosecksual.
When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, “The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I’m just kidding! It's Garden State.”
When asked who his favorite actor was, Chuck Norris replied, “Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. Wait, uh, I mean Arnold Schwarzenegger or, uh, Sylvester Stallone! Yeah, they’re manly right?!”
When Chuck Norris has secks with men, it's not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn't find his pen!s when he wanted to have secks with them.
When Chuck Norris sings karaoke, it's always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won't see him looking at the monitor for the words.
When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many secks scenes?"